Preparing for the Dirty South

I'll be heading to South Carolina this weekend for the wedding of a good friend of mine from college.

[Editor's Note: I will NOT be traveling by train]

I don't wanna sound sappy or nothin', but DAMN I am going to miss this girl:

Dear Porky,

You're Man of the House while I'm gone. Please keep Esme warm & dry this weekend, & kindly ward off intruders. In return, I will make her promise not to eat bacon in front of you.

<3, Pete